Shall We… *cough cough* Dance Like We Wanna Win?
by Worldmage
Summary: A short fic for the dirty-minded


Disclaimoid: Look! It's Gainax! They own NGE! I own very little! End of Disclaimergelion!

Shall We… *cough cough* Dance Like We Wanna Win?

A Short Fic for the Dirty of Mind

The Katsuragi household was unusually quiet that day, especially considering that Asuka and Shinji were disagreeing again. Having finished with their various chores, and done enough of their homework to satisfy their consciences, the two Children were bored. And Misato wasn't there. And you know how Asuka gets when she's with Shinji, bored, and when Misato isn't there.

"Look, Shinji, you aren't performing to my satisfaction. Sure, what you're doing might be good enough to make a boy like you happy, but I think we'd both be better off if you were more like a _man_."

You also know how Shinji—and everybody like him—gets around girls. Especially cute, aggressive girls like Asuka.

"Uh… sorry."

I think you also know how Asuka gets when Shinji gets like he gets around her. Get it?

"For the love of God, 'Third _Child_', how many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing? It's not your fault that you have… erratic equipment. Besides, all you need to do is learn to control your body better. It'd clear up most of your problems, if you got a little… exercise every now and then."

Shinji started to speak, but was overridden as Asuka became enthusiastic.

"I mean, both physical and mental problems. You're such a sickeningly housebroken male right now, but after a man gets a few… 'scores' under his belt, his self-confidence improves."

"Uh, Asuka?" Shinji sounded nervous.

"Yes?" Asuka made her voice as cute as she could. She was teasing the poor boy, and enjoying every second of it.

"What are you hiding behind your back?"

"Oh, this?" Asuka whipped out her new find with so much exuberance that she nearly brained her fellow pilot. "It's a book!"

Shinji studied the book. The title was in English. He couldn't read it.

Fortunately, the inside of the book had translations to Japanese. He decided, on the whole, that it would be better to ask anyway. It was at least a way to buy time.

"What's this?"

Asuka was cute again. "Oh, just something I found in Misato's room. Not that I was snooping through her stuff or anything, you know. But it was just lying there on her desk, so it can't possibly be supposed to be secret."

"Maybe Kaji got it for her?"

"Foo. What a ludicrous idea. I bet," Asuka leaned in close to Shinji and smirked, "I bet she got it for _you_." She laughed at Shinji's expression.

"But… but…" he leafed through a few pages. "I can't get into half these positions. They look terribly uncomfortable."

Asuka's voice dripped mock-scorn, which is more difficult than it sounds (especially when one is talking a too-serious literalist like Shinji). "I'm sure Wondergirl could help if you ever get stuck or anything. I don't think she'd mind."

Shinji turned bright red. For the record, he was NOT the same shade of red as Asuka's Eva; it was purpler, yellower, and shinier. Nor was he as red as Asuka's plug suit, for much the same reason. Nor was he red in the manner of Asuka's hair, being less brownish-orange in hue and altogether un-hair-like. Nor was he red to match Rei's eyes, being more skin-toned and less unearthly. To be precise, his face shaded to that certain semi-magenta hue of red achieved only by Shinji when embarrassed by Asuka on the subject of Rei. Given Shinji's usual non-red complexion, it was truly surprising that his body could muster enough blood for the task.

Of course, Asuka was still leaning over in front of him, practically holding the book to his face. She was pointing at a diagram, complete with arrows directing various body part placements and indicators showing stress levels on all relevant joints. "Let's try this one, Shinji!" The girl was frighteningly enthusiastic, practically drooling with anticipation. "Come on, Super-baka, you know you want to try it. You can't fool me!"

With widening eyes, Shinji scooted away from the picture, awed and unnerved by the show of human athleticism so skillfully sketched. "I don't know, Asuka, it looks… awkward."

"Appearances can be deceiving, Shinji. It might take a little work to get into the position, but I bet it feels good when you're finally there. Look: it pulls on this, and you tense your muscles there… it's practically a mini-workout. After that one, I'd be surprised not to feel refreshed."

"But it's part of a series, Asuka. It says here in the notes that to get the full effect, you need to do these seven others. And I just don't… have the endurance for all of those."

"At least you have the honesty to admit it." Asuka stood with arms akimbo, trying very hard not to chuckle, jiggling in just that right way to… keep her shoulder muscles loose. "But seriously, that's the whole point of doing these. We may not get much out of them at first, but eventually we'll be able to run through the whole book. Just think about how good we'll be!"

"Um…" Shinji scratched his head. "I know that doing this is important for my health and well-being, and will make you happy. And making people happy is good, and makes life more livable. But I have goals beyond this… physical activity, no matter how good it may make me feel."

Asuka pouted, increasing her cuteness to near-catastrophic levels. "But it's _gooooood_ for you."

Shinji nearly choked. "Uh, come again?"

"I'll be glad to, thanks for offering." Asuka grinned predatorily. "To wit: your flexibility will improve, your joints and tendons will become stronger, your muscles—especially the cardiac one—will get a decent work-out. Your mind will become more at peace. Your actions will fall into a simple but beautiful pattern encoded in our genetic matter, and you will join with the group mind of both humanity and the universe itself. You will become one with everything!"

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, though."

"Trust me, it's worth a try as long as Wondergirl's not involved."

"I don't know about that." Shinji wrinkled his nose. "After all, some of these positions may be sort of yogic, but I'd be happy to just get my mind off of all the weight it's been under what with all this giant-mecha-piloting stuff."

"And this is just the sort of thing that would take your mind off of it, at least for a while. Come on, Shinji, I don't want to go on doing this by myself. I want a partner!"

"Why don't you ask Ayanami?"

Asuka reddened. "AS IF! Do you really think I'd have anything to do with Wondergirl? I'll forgive you for ever having had the thought…." She leaned in close and whispered. "Forgive you, that is, if you do numbers one through five with me."

Shinji teetered on the brink for almost long enough to make Asuka whap him, then gave in. "All right. But if I get uncomfortable, I want you to stop or at least slow down. I'm not as physically fit or limber as you are, you know."

"Good enough." Asuka winked and stood up. "Let me change into something a bit more… comfortable and appropriate, okay?"

[…]

Shinji went to change too. Ten minutes later they met again in the living room, dressed in sweats and loose t-shirts. Asuka reopened the book of stretching exercises, and together the two prepared for their upcoming combat against the Seventh Angel.

—End of Ficgelion—

Author's Notes: All right, all right; I know that the ending probably wasn't very surprising. I've just read one too many fics involving an anime character owning a random copy of the Kama Sutra, which makes very little sense to me. But it was enjoyable to write a spastic little fic full of wordplay. That's it for now, methinks.-Worldmage


End file.
